


i solemnly swear ur a dumbass

by bcvcrly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Marauders, group chat au, idk this is kinda a joke, james has a mommy kink, james is a big straightie, peter has no clue what’s going on, remus is whipped for sirius :’), sirius is the most oblivious and unsubtle boy on earth, some dumb boys!, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-12 23:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14738006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bcvcrly/pseuds/bcvcrly
Summary: there’s a school dance and sirius doesn’t want to go.hogwarts marauders group chat au





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> here’s a key for each character’s name in the chat:
> 
> the hot one = james
> 
> the hotter one = sirius
> 
> moony = remus
> 
> peter = peter

  
**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Monday, 10:26 am_

 _ **the hot one**_ : FUCK did u guys hear

 _ **peter**_ : what??

 _ **the hot one**_ : the dance??

 _ **the hot one**_ : wormtail how did u not hear about it…. are u serious

 _ **the hotter one**_ : no i am

 ** _the hot one_** : i’m going to kick u out of this chat one day

 _ **the hotter one**_ : do it bitch

 _ **the hot one**_ : anyway it’s a formal and u have to go with a date

 _ **moony**_ : wow I wonder who James will ask

 ** _the hotter one_** : wow i have no idea

 _ **the hot one**_ : hey moony who are /u/ going to ask ;)))

 _ **moony**  left the conversation._  
_**Remus Lupin**_ _was added to the conversation._  
_**Remus Lupin**_ _changed_ _their name to **moony**_

 ** _the hotter one_** : what

 ** _the hotter one_** : also i’m not going

 ** _the hot one_** : WHY

 ** _peter_** : WHY

 ** _moony_** : WHY

 ** _the hot one_** : ur so annoying and dramatic oh my god of course ur coming with us

 ** _the hotter one_** : i don’t even want to ask anyone sjhhffdf

 ** _peter_** : what does that mean

 ** _the hotter one_** : it means i think the girls r ugly

 ** _peter_** : no the other thing

 ** _the hotter one_** : oh my god does he mean the keyboard smash

 ** _the hot one_** : i’m going to set u up with that ravenclaw prefect

 ** _the hotter one_** : haha more like raventhot am i right boys

 ** _moony_** : that wasn’t even funny….

 ** _the hotter one_** : wow it rly is the ones u love who betray u

 ** _the hotter one_** : moony ur supposed to laugh at my jokes smh

 ** _the hot one_** : the prefect with the nice legs sorry i should have specified i guess

 _ **peter**_ : DUDE

 _ **the hot one**_ : what

 ** _peter_** : i don’t want to hear about what you think of her legs

 _ **the hotter one**_ : what do u think of MY legs, boys?

 _ **the hot one**_ : this is probably why no one wants to go with u

 ** _the hotter one_** : listen dude i’m the hotter one……,,,,,

 ** _peter_** : i’m so done

 ** _the hot one_** : anyway i’m asking evans so she’s off-limits sorry

 ** _moony_** : no offense but why would any of us ask Lily

 ** _the hotter one_** : i’m gonna ask lily just for kicks to piss off prongs <3

 ** _the hot one_** : oh so ur going now? interesting

 ** _the hotter one_** : it was a joke jfc

 ** _the hotter one_** : not to sound dramatic but i would rather be eaten by the giant squid no thx

* * *

_**the hot one** & **moony**  
_

_Monday, 1:00 pm_

**_the hot one_** : remind me again why ur crush is such a dramatic asshole

 ** _moony_** : remind me again why your best friend is such a dramatic asshole

 ** _the hot one_** : okay u got me there i guess

 ** _moony_** : I really hope he changes his mind about going

 ** _the hot one_** : were u going to ask him oh my god MOONY

 ** _moony_** : maybe?????

 ** _moony_** : but obviously I won’t if he’s not going to go

 ** _the hot one_** : that boy is such a fucking idiot

 ** _the hot one_** : i’ll talk to him

 **moony** : :’)

* * *

_**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
Monday, 1:27 pm_

**_the hot one_** : help me

 ** _moony_** : no, you can’t copy off my homework again

 ** _the hot one_** : shut up i actually did it today

 ** _the hot one_** : help me come up with ways to ask evans to the dance

 ** _moony_** : why don’t you just go up to her and… you know… ask

 ** _the hotter one_** : ^

 ** _the hotter one_** : i dont know y anyone in their right mind would want one of those singing owls or charms or whatever else

 ** _moony_** : ^^^^^ just ask her!

 ** _the hotter one_** : ^

 ** _moony_** : ^

 ** _the hot one_** : can u two stop with the “^” thing omg flirt somewhere else please

* * *

 _ **moony** & **the hot one**_  
_Monday, 1:31 pm_

 ** _moony_** : STOP

 ** _the hot one_** : oops! ;PPP don’t worry it’s fine

 ** _moony_** : you’re just mad you need three guys to ask someone to a dance…

 ** _the hot one_** : i’m blocking ur number holy shit! who knew moony would destroy me like this

* * *

_**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
Monday, 1:32 pm_

**_the hotter one_** : 2 ppl agreeing is flirting now?

 ** _the hotter one_** : but it makes sense u wouldn’t know what flirting is bc i don’t think a girl has ever flirted with u in ur life

 ** _the hotter one_** : but go off i guess

 ** _peter_** : HAHAHA

 ** _the hot one_** : find a date urself omg i don’t need this disrespect

 ** _peter_** : also that can’t be true because a lot of girls flirt with james

 ** _the hotter one_** : pick a side wormtail u cant defend us both

 ** _peter_** : ok then i don’t want to be involved

 ** _moony_** : a wise choice

 ** _the hot one_** : do u think i should ask her at the quidditch match

 ** _the hotter one_** : no?????? tf

 ** _moony_** : why would you ask her at Quidditch……

 ** _the hotter one_** : lmao imagine poor lily cheering in the stands and then james swoops in on his broom and asks her

 ** _moony_** : that would be terrifying

 ** _the hot one_** : i hate u both oh my god… i would wait until i won the game and then announce to the whole stadium that i’m asking her

 ** _the hotter one_** : HAHAHA THATS EVEN WORSE what if gryffindor loses the match

 ** _moony_** : or she says no

 _ **the hotter one**_ : or she doesn’t even come

 ** _moony_** : I feel like Lily is the type of girl who would appreciate just being asked normally… she’s also Muggleborn so that’s something to consider

 ** _the hot one_** : obviously i’ll have to do this myself because u two are so boring

 ** _the hot one_** : virgins……

 ** _peter_** : aren’t you a virgin?

 _ **the hotter one**_ : ^

 _ **moony**_ : ^

 ** _the hot one_** : that’s it i’m not speaking to any of u for the rest of the day


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again

  
**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Tuesday, 6:19 am_

 _ **the hot one**_ : i’m gonna do it today

 _ **moony**_ : that woke me up thanks

 _ **peter**_ : why are you up this early??

 _ **the hot one**_ : the quidditch grind never stops, my dude

 _ **moony**_ : also, do what today?

 _ **the hot one**_ : ask lily

 _ **the hotter one**_ : ohfhffghkg uh oh

 _ **peter**_ : what???

 _ **the hot one**_ : would it really kill u to support me sometimes

 ** _the hotter one_** : yes

 ** _moony_** : yes

 ** _peter_** : yes

 ** _the hot one_** : virgins

 ** _moony_** : please don’t do this to yourself again

 ** _moony_** : are you asking her at the match?

 ** _the hot one_** : yeah

 ** _the hot one_** : can someone film it

 ** _the hotter one_** : FILM IT??

 ** _moony_** : okay you can’t be serious

 ** _the hotter one_** : no i am

_**the hotter one** was removed from the conversation._

**_moony_** : oh come on

 ** _moony_** : i thought it was funny

 ** _the hot one_** : u r so fucking soft i can’t stand it

_**Sirius Black** was added to the conversation.  
**Sirius Black** changed their name to **siriusly hot**_

**_siriusly hot_** : nice try prongs,, thanks for adding me back moony

 ** _the hot one_** : how would u know it was him??

 ** _siriusly hot_** : we have a special connection……

 ** _the hot one_** : u r so ridiculous

* * *

 _ **the hot one** & **siriusly hot**_  
_Tuesday, 7:23 am_

 ** _the hot one_** : go to the dance please i’m actually serious

 ** _siriusly hot_** : james potter begging me to do something????? wow

 ** _siriusly hot_** : and no

 ** _the hot one_** : what if someone asked u

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ? is someone planning on asking me?

 ** _the hot one_** : no

 ** _the hot one_** : ok well not no

 ** _the hot one_** : but i can’t say anything

 ** _the hot one_** : just forget we had this conversation

 ** _siriusly hot_** : uhhh

* * *

_**the hot one** & **moony**  
Tuesday, 7:27 am_

_**the hot one** : [ifuckedup.jpg]_

**_the hot one_** : so i guess u could say that didn’t go very well

 ** _moony_** : why did you make it sound that suspicious????

 ** _moony_** : if he doesn’t want to go then just forget it. I can hang out in the commons that night. it’s fine

 ** _the hot one_** : yeah uhhhh not an option

 ** _the hot one_** : have u considered just asking him

 ** _the hot one_** : it isn’t like he’s disgusted by u or anything

 ** _moony_** : yeah but I don’t think he’s gay either

 ** _the hot one_** : are u kidding me

 ** _the hot one_** : i think sirius might be one of the gayest people i know

 ** _the hot one_** : and i know u

 ** _moony_** : ok wow I have no idea how to respond to that

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Tuesday, 7:46 pm_

 ** _siriusly hot_** : wooooooo who’s pumped for some quidditch

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ME bitch!!!!

 ** _moony_** : why did you just respond to yourself

 ** _moony_** : anyway Peter and I will be cheering you two on from the stands <3

* * *

_**moony** & **the hot one**  
Tuesday, 7:53 pm_

**_moony_** : OH MY GOD WHY DID I JUST SEND HIM A HEART

 ** _the hot one_** : go get him, wolfboy!!!!!

 ** _moony_** : “wolfboy”???????

 ** _the hot one_** : sorry i’m excited for u…..

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Tuesday, 10:03 pm_

_**peter** : [jamesaskinglily.mov]_

**_the hot one_** : wormtail ur my FAVOEITE thanks

 ** _siriusly hot_** : kind of surprised lily said yes

 ** _peter_** : i thought it was cool… i liked the banners

 ** _moony_** : oh how could we forget the banners

 ** _the hot one_** : i had those charmed to show her name instead of the house colors

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i would die if someone did that for me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : like in a bad way

 ** _peter_** : wait moony were you serious about what you said at the game??

 ** _siriusly hot_** : NO I AM

 ** _the hot one_** : i’m going to shove my wand up ur ass

 ** _siriusly hot_** : kinky!!

 ** _moony_** : I am choosing to ignore this ^^

 **moony** : and what? I don’t remember what I said

 ** _peter_** : about asking someone

 ** _moony_** : what?

 ** _peter_** : you said you were going to ask someone on the quidditch team

 ** _peter_** : to the dance

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what????????????????????????

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ur asking soemnenfe?????????????

 ** _siriusly hot_** : who ru aksing

 ** _the hot one_** : calm down omg

 ** _siriusly hot_** : moony who ru asking

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ??????????????????????????

* * *

_**the hot one** & **moony**  
Tuesday, 10:13 pm_

**_the hot one_** : i’m laughing so hard man

 ** _moony_** : I don’t think this is a good thing…

 ** _the hot one_** : no it is

 ** _the hot one_** : someone seems a little jealous

 ** _the hot one_** : hold on he’s texting me

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **the hot one**  
Tuesday, 10:14 pm_

**_siriusly hot_** : do u know anythigng abt this

 ** _the hot one_** : yeah he’s asking snivellus

 ** _siriusly hot_** : stop i’m serious

 ** _the hot one_** : i KNOW ur sirius

 ** _the hot one_** : sorry i’ve been waiting to use that against u for years

_**siriusly hot** : [middlefinger.jpg]_

**_siriusly hot_** : idk this is kind of bothering me so i was just wondering

 ** _siriusly hot_** : nvm?? i guess?? y do i confide in u anyway

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Tuesday, 10:26 pm_

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i’m going to bed

 ** _the hot one_** : why did u announce that to the whole chat

 ** _siriusly hot_** : bc i want fucking good night texts merlin’s beard

 ** _the hot one_** : someone’s angry tonight……… goodnight

 ** _peter_** : goodnight sirius sorry you’re upset

 ** _moony_** : goodnight

* * *

_**moony** & **siriusly hot**  
Tuesday, 10:29 pm_

**_moony_** : everything okay?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : yeah haha

 ** _siriusly hot_** : it’s fine

 ** _moony_** : ….. you can just tell me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i don’t rly want to talk abt it

 ** _siriusly hot_** : just the dance

 ** _siriusly hot_** : idk i don’t want to think abt it

 ** _moony_** : that’s alright

 ** _moony_** : I’m here if you need to talk!

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i know. thanks

 ** _siriusly hot_** : goodnight

 ** _moony_** : goodnight!

_Wednesday, 12:01 am_

_**siriusly hot**_ : hey who ru asking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdfghgkgk


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is VERY long so have fun

  
**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Wednesday, 5:56 am_

 _ **the hot one**_ : i love u peter pettigrew

 _ **siriusly hot**_ : 6 in the morning is too early for love confessions

 _ **the hot one**_ : sorry i just <33333

 _ **moony**_ : this is so random

 ** _peter_** : what? what did i do?

 ** _the hot one_** : mary just told me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i hate when ur cryptic like this and i hate when u wake me up before the sun is up

 ** _siriusly hot_** : who is mary and what is going on

 ** _the hot one_** : peter asked mary macdonald to the dance!!!!!!!!!! what a fucking legend!!!!!!!

 ** _the hot one_** : peter big s/o to u because mary is friends with lily so now we can go together

 ** _siriusly hot_** : BITCH

 ** _moony_** : omg way to go!

 ** _peter_** : thanks!!!!

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i think we need to establish some ground rules here??? rule #1: when u like someone the other marauders get to know who it is. ESPECIALLY if ur asking them to a dance

 ** _moony_** : oof

 ** _siriusly hot_** : glad u picked up on that…. that was directed at u

 ** _moony_** : that wasn’t even close to subtle… how would I have not understood that?

 ** _the hot one_** : rule #2: we mutually agree that padfoot is an unsubtle dumbass

 ** _siriusly hot_** : rule #3: prongs needs to stop playing w that dumb snitch all the time

 ** _the hot one_** : rule #4: padfoot starts actually defending me during quidditch practices instead of intentionally hitting bludgers at me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : that was literally ONE time

 ** _moony_** : stop flirting!

 ** _siriusly hot_** : BFVFBBFCHF y would u say that

 **siriusly hot** : that’s disgusting lmao

 ** _the hot one_** : ^^^ yea sorry i don’t date assholes

 ** _siriusly hot_** : u don’t date anyone bc no one will have u

 ** _siriusly hot_** : btw speaking of dates

 ** _siriusly hot_** : WHO ru fucking going with

 ** _moony_** : no one!! I haven’t asked anyone

 ** _siriusly hot_** : does anyone know occlumency

 ** _siriusly hot_** : or have veritaserum

 ** _moony_** : this is a huge violation of privacy

 ** _the hot one_** : someone violate MY privates!!!!

 ** _moony_** : THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID

 ** _peter_** : my poor eyes

 ** _moony_** : why on earth did Lily say yes to you

 ** _the hot one_** : at least i’m asking the person i’m interested in ;))))

 ** _siriusly hot_** : WHO R U INTERESTED IN

 ** _siriusly hot_** : mooooooooonnnyyyyyyyy

* * *

_**the hot one** & **moony**  
Wednesday, 9:45 am_

**_the hot one_** : so uhhhh are u actually planning on asking him or not

 ** _the hot one_** : he’s called me 5 times and the whole time at quidditch practice this morning he was looking around anxiously trying to figure out who u want to ask

 ** _the hot one_** : he’s losing his mind

 ** _moony_** : I just feel like he doesn’t like me back? idk I’m not going to make a move until I get some sort of confirmation that he’s actually gay and interested in me

 ** _the hot one_** : jesus fucking christ moony

* * *

**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**

_Wednesday, 9:48 am_

 

 ** _the hot one_** : hey padfoot

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what

 ** _the hot one_** : are u gay

 ** _the hot one_** : asking for a friend

 ** _the hot one_** : ok i mean i’m actually asking for a friend this isn’t a joke

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ???

 ** _siriusly hot_** : yeah

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i thought u already knew this???

 ** _siriusly hot_** : why

 ** _siriusly hot_** : why

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hello???

* * *

_**the hot one** & **moony**  
Wednesday, 9:51 am_

**_the hot one_** : _[EVIDENCE.jpg]_

 ** _moony_** : wow

 ** _the hot one_** : just date him already im tired of hearing about u suffer without him

 ** _moony_** : how do I do that???? I don’t know how to show him I like him????

 ** _the hot one_** : ;))) don’t worry

 ** _moony_** : okay now I’m worrying

* * *

**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**

_Wednesday, 9:58 am_

**_the hot one_** : guess what

 ** _siriusly hot_** : lily changed her mind

 ** _moony_** : you got another detention

 ** _peter_** : you got kicked off the quidditch team

 ** _the hot one_** : fuck u all! no

 ** _the hot one_** : i was just gonna bring to ur attention how dumb it is that moony is planning on going to this dance when he can’t even dance

 ** _moony_** : …..

 ** _siriusly hot_** : wait actually?

 ** _siriusly hot:_** lmaoooo

 ** _siriusly hot_** : how ru gonna go to the dance if u can’t dance

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hahahaha that sucks man

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **moony**  
Wednesday, 9:59 am_

**_siriusly hot_** : i can teach u how to dance if u want

* * *

_**moony** & **the hot one**  
Wednesday, 9:59 am_

_**moony** : [amiimaginingthis.jpg]_

**_the hot one_** : WHAT oh my god i didn’t think that would actually work

 ** _the hot one_** : he’s more oblivious and dumb than i thought

 ** _moony_** : what do I say to this????

 ** _the hot one_** : say yes

 ** _moony_** : oh my God

 ** _the hot one_** : SAY YES

* * *

_**moony** & **siriusly hot**  
Wednesday, 10:00 am_

**_moony_** : wow that would be great! thanks

 ** _siriusly hot_** : u free on friday night?

 ** _moony_** : YES

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : ok

 ** _moony_** : sorry I don’t know why that was capitalized

 ** _moony_** : typo

* * *

_**moony** & **the hot one**  
Wednesday, 10:01 am_

_**moony** : [embarrassingmyself.jpg]_

_**moony**_ : but on the bright side…..!!! this Friday!

 ** _the hot one_** : i can’t believe u are head over heels in love with sirius black But okay have fun

 ** _the hot one_** : and use protection

 ** _moony_** : STOP IT

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Wednesday, 1:04 pm_

 ** _siriusly hot_** : is there a spell to make it look like someone washed their hair

 ** _the hot one_** : u have rly reached a new level of laziness

 ** _peter_** : whywould you ask that

 ** _siriusly hot_** : _[snape.jpg]_

 ** _siriusly hot_** : look at the back of his head this is literally the greasiest thing i’ve ever seen

 ** _the hot one_** : idk what u mean?? he looks beautiful

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh my god

_**the hot one** changed their name to **snapelover69**_

**_siriusly hot_** : is this ur way of coming out

 ** _siriusly hot_** : bc i can get behind the gay thing but a crush on snape is going to put a pretty big barrier btwn our friendship sry

 ** _snapelover69_** : ok like ur much better

 ** _snapelover69_** : who do /u/ like

 ** _siriusly hot_** : professor mcgonagall <33333

 ** _moony_** : wow I didn’t know you were straight now

 ** _siriusly hot_** : speaking of attraction to ppl

 ** _snapelover69_** : what kind of reach...

 ** _siriusly hot_** : who is moony going to the dance with

 ** _peter_** : not this again

 ** _siriusly hot_** : well it’s distracting me from looking at snivellus so

 ** _siriusly hot_** : a coping mechanism

 ** _peter_** : i told you it’s someone on the quidditch team

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ok well im omw to the list rn so i can see whos on the team and torture the information out of them :/

 ** _peter_** : please just tell him, remus

 ** _moony_** : hfhfhhfjfjffjfjf

 ** _siriusly hot:_** a keyboard smash?? from remus lupin?? i think i just fell in love

 ** _snapelover69_** : i just threw up,,,, take this pda elsewhere, boys

 ** _siriusly hot_** : says the boy who said he was in love w peter yesterday morning?? i’m just spreading around a little platonic affection for one of my best friends

* * *

_**moony** & **snapelover69**  
Wednesday, 1:44 pm_

**_moony_** : :(

 ** _snapelover69_** : i swear he gets dumber every day

 ** _moony_** : “a little platonic affection for one of my best friends”

 ** _snapelover69_** : listen i’m sorry he’s such a moron…… maybe u can change his mind when ur dancing or something

 _ **moony**_ : yeah maybe :/

 ** _snapelover69_** : like twerk on him or something

 ** _snapelover69_** : OK OK i’m kidding but i’m sure he’ll come around eventually

 ** _snapelover69_** : no homo but ur great

 ** _moony_** : thanks :))) guess we’ll see what happens

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Wednesday, 10:54 pm_

 ** _siriusly hot_** : is it prongs

 ** _snapelover69_** : is what me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh sry i meant to just send that to moony

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i was wondering who hes asking on the quidditch team

 ** _moony_** : I would have to have incredibly low standards to do something like that

 ** _siriusly hot_** : SKSKSKSKS

 ** _siriusly hot_** : drag!! his!! ass!!

 ** _moony_** : can we just forget when I said I was going to ask someone... I changed my mind

 ** _snapelover69_** : PLEASE tell me u didn’t

 ** _snapelover69_** : oh moony

 ** _siriusly hot_** : y do i feel like im missing something here

 ** _peter_** : same

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i notice that james didnt say same which implies that he doesn’t feel left out

 ** _snapelover69_** : stop reading into everything

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hahaha no

 ** _peter_** : hey did you ever figure out a spell to fix snape’s hair

 ** _snapelover69_** : “fix”??? i take offense to that

 ** _snapelover69_** : he looks like a god

 ** _siriusly hot_** : he looks like someone coated a mop in grease

 ** _siriusly hot_** : and i dont feel bad saying that bc hes a piece of shit

 ** _moony_** : true

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i think he heard my camera go off when i took that pic of him lmao bc he tried to snatch my phone and then said he was going to get revenge on me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : bitch! as if

 ** _moony_** : please don’t get yourself in trouble

 ** _siriusly hot_** : rolls eyes

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i will be fine

 ** _moony_** : I’m serious

 ** _moony_** : NO

 ** _moony_** : forget I said that

 ** _snapelover69_** : brace urselves

 ** _siriusly hot_** : no

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i

 ** _siriusly hot_** : am

 ** _moony_** : I hate myself

 ** _moony_** : I shouldn’t have said that

 ** _snapelover69_** : ok shithead as soon as this lecture is over i’m going to murder u

 _ **snapelover69**_ : this is directed at padfoot of course, i love u mommy

 ** _snapelover69_** : MOONY not mommy

 ** _peter_** : what

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i think u might be the most disgusting person ive ever met, snapelover69

 ** _snapelover69_** : I MEANT MOONY STFU

 ** _siriusly hot_** : mommy

_**moony** changed their name to **mommy**_

**_siriusly hot_** : ASDFGHJK

 ** _mommy_** : I changed it because I figured I’m like the mom friend anyway

 ** _siriusly hot_** : OHGBGNGGJ

 ** _peter_** : is he ok

 ** _snapelover69_** : of course it figures that moony wouldn’t know what mommy kinks are

 ** _mommy_** : WHAT

 ** _siriusly hot_** : im SCREAMING

 ** _peter_** : wait what is that

_**peter** changed their name to **confused**_

**_snapelover69_** : it is too late at night to be kinkshamed like this

 ** _siriusly hot_** : sounds like ur confessing that u have a mommy kink

 ** _snapelover69_** : shut up hoe, that would make u my daddy

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what

 ** _mommy_** : I’m going to KILL YOU

 ** _siriusly hot_** : wait why would I be the daddy

 ** _siriusly hot_** : that doesn’t make any sense

 ** _confused_** : i’m still confused

 ** _snapelover69_** : we know sweetie

 ** _mommy_** : whoa did anyone else realize that it’s almost midnight? I’m going to sleep

 ** _mommy_** : u guys should sleep too we have a divination test tomorrow

 _ **snapelover69**_ : if u insist, mommy ;)))

 ** _siriusly hot_** : stop

 ** _snapelover69_** : okay, daddy ;))))

 ** _mommy_** : GO TO SLEEP


	4. Chapter 4

**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**   
_Thursday, 1:34 am_

**_siriusly hot_** : anyone else feeling homosexual rn

 ** _snapelover69_** : wtf no i’m straight

 ** _siriusly hot_** : “wtf no i’m straight” --snapelover69

 ** _mommy_** : but what would “feeling homosexual” even mean

 ** _confused_** : ^

 ** _siriusly hot_** : if u know u know

 ** _snapelover69_** : dude no one knows

 ** _mommy_** : go to sleep

 ** _confused_** : why do you guys keep writing so early… it’s 1 am

 ** _snapelover69_** : excuse me?!! there’s a big difference between writing to u guys at 6 am and writing at 1 in the fucking morning

 ** _siriusly hot_** : jesus i just asked a question……..

 ** _snapelover69_** : no one wants to know if ur horny

 ** _snapelover69_** : well maybe one of us does

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what

 ** _snapelover69_** : figure it out dumbass

 ** _siriusly hot_** : im too tired to figure out what that means goodnight

* * *

_**mommy** & **snapelover69**  
Thursday, 2:00 am_

**_mommy_** : I’m freaking out

 ** _mommy_** : stop hinting that I like him!!

 ** _snapelover69_** : first of all, moony, i love u with my whole heart and i would never betray ur trust

 ** _snapelover69_** : second, we joke about this kind of thing so much with each other that it isn’t out of place at all

 ** _snapelover69_** : thirdly, sirius black is a fucking IDIOT and wouldn’t know someone liked him even if it hit him in the face with a brick

 ** _mommy_** : well that’s comforting, thanks

 ** _snapelover69_** : excited for those dance lessons tomorrow? ;))

 ** _mommy_** : oh my God

 ** _mommy_** : at least I have a day to mentally prepare myself

 ** _snapelover69_** : prepare urself for what ;))) wink wink wink

 ** _mommy_** : is sex all you think about

 ** _snapelover69_** : goodnight

* * *

**i solemnly swear that ur a dumbass**   
_Thursday, 6:00 am_

**_snapelover69_** : what up what up my fellow heterosexuals

 ** _siriusly hot_** : speak for urself…..

 ** _mommy_** : ^^ haha same

 ** _snapelover69_** : what have i said about the “^^” thing

 ** _snapelover69_** : wait MOONY

 ** _mommy_** : what?

_**snapelover69** : [hahasame.jpg]_

**_siriusly hot_** : y would u send a screenshot of what’s already in the chat

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh wait

 ** _siriusly hot_** : fuck

* * *

_**mommy** & **snapelover69**  
Thursday, 6:04 am_

**_mommy_** : I think I just messed up

 ** _snapelover69_** : hey dude i’m proud of u

 ** _snapelover69_** : that boy can never like u back if he doesn’t even know ur into guys

 ** _snapelover69_** : u got this, mommy!

 ** _snapelover69_** : NOT AGAIN SMH I MEANT MOONY

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **mommy**  
Thursday, 6:04 am_

**_siriusly hot_** : ur gay?

 ** _mommy_** : yeah

 ** _mommy_** : haha that was a really dumb way to come out

 ** _siriusly hot_** : no it’s fine

 ** _siriusly hot_** : :^)

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i won’t tell anyone

 ** _siriusly hot_** : and i really respect that u told us (even if it was an accident)

 ** _mommy_** : thanks :-)

 ** _siriusly hot_** : so whoever u were going to ask to the dance was a boy?

 ** _mommy_** : yeah

 ** _mommy_** : I hope you’re not weirded out by this or anything

 ** _siriusly hot_** : moony im literally gay

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hahaha id never think that abt u

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i mean, u turn into a wolf once a month so i dont think anything could be more surprising than that

 ** _mommy_** : okay :-) it means a lot that you’re taking this well

 ** _siriusly hot_** : of course!! ur my best friend

 ** _siriusly hot_** : and whoever u were going to ask to the dance, btw, im sure he wouldve said yes to u

 ** _mommy_** : I don’t think so

 ** _mommy_** : thanks anyway, though. I feel a lot better after telling you

 ** _siriusly hot_** : :^)

* * *

 

_**mommy** & **snapelover69**  
Thursday, 6:40 am_

_**mommy** : [whatisthis.jpg]_

**_mommy_** : I don’t know how to feel about this

 _ **mommy**_ : on one hand I absolutely just got friendzoned again

 ** _mommy_** : but on the other I feel a lot better after talking to him

 ** _snapelover69_** : have u considered just telling him u like him?

 ** _mommy_** : yes

 ** _mommy_** : but I already told you I don’t want to be the one to make the first move

 ** _snapelover69_** : i’m just saying it doesn’t have to be this messy. maybe u should tell him and get it over with

 ** _mommy_** : sorry but it’s so hard to take you seriously when your user is “snapelover69”

 ** _mommy_** : thank you so much for talking through this with me though

 ** _snapelover69_** : yeah no problem

* * *

**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**   
_Thursday, 8:00 am_

**_snapelover69_** : bad news

 ** _siriusly hot_** : now what

 ** _snapelover69_** : just caught snivellus trying to talk to lily

 ** _snapelover69_** : and i strongly suspect that he was trying to ask her to the dance, STEALING my woman

 ** _mommy_** : ok but why would Lily want to go out with Severus...

 ** _mommy_** : what do you mean “trying” to talk to lily??

 ** _snapelover69_** : ok so i may have hexed him before he actually got to her but it was purely self-defense

 ** _siriusly hot_** : BAHAHAHA that is so awesome

 ** _siriusly hot_** : im so proud of u

 ** _confused_** : hahahaha

 ** _confused_** : which hex?

 ** _mommy_** : James…………………

 ** _mommy_** : if you get in trouble for this I want absolutely no part in it

 ** _snapelover69_** : spoken like a true mother

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i KNEW it was ur kink

 ** _siriusly hot_** : whos gonna break it to lily :/

 ** _snapelover69_** : if u do that i will end u

 ** _siriusly hot_** : good. kill me

 ** _confused_** : since when did padfoot become so edgy

 ** _siriusly hot_** : it all started november 3rd, 17 yrs ago…….

 ** _mommy_** : isn’t that your birthday

 ** _siriusly hot_** : yes

 ** _snapelover69_** : ugh a couple that knows each other’s birthdays

 ** _snapelover69_** : iconic!

 ** _siriusly hot_** : stop being annoying

 ** _mommy_** : he can’t. it’s ingrained into his personality

 ** _confused_** : oof

 ** _snapelover69_** : wow peter i get absolutely no support from u? betraying asshole

 ** _confused_** : sorry

 ** _snapelover69_** : yea u’d BETTER be

 ** _snapelover69_** : ya bitch

 ** _mommy_** : at this point I can’t tell if you guys say “bitch” affectionately or aggressively

 ** _mommy_** : which is it?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : yes

_Thursday, 10:13 am_

**_snapelover69_** : update: i got a detention for what i did to snape

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : i’ll avenge u by hexing him again

 ** _mommy_** : don’t you dare

 ** _siriusly hot_** : make me ;)

* * *

_**snapelover69** & **mommy**  
Thursday, 10:14 am_

**_snapelover69_** : i can see u blushing from across the room and gee i wonder why

 ** _snapelover69_** : mayyybe it has something to do with what padfoot just said in the main chat?

 ** _mommy_** : shut UP

* * *

**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**   
_Thursday, 2:20 pm_

**_snapelover69_** : good news, boys (tongue emojis)

 ** _confused_** : why would you write out “tongue emojis” instead of putting actual emojis…?

 ** _snapelover69_** : it’s culture

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i hate u a little more every day

 ** _snapelover69_** : does no one care about my news?? rude

 ** _confused_** : what

 ** _snapelover69_** : lily and i are dating now

 ** _snapelover69_** : which means pretty soon u guys can’t make those virgin jokes anymore :)))

 ** _siriusly hot_** : OH my god

 ** _mommy_** : is Lily out of her mind

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hmm what would she do if i screenshotted u saying u wanted to lose ur virginity to her minutes after u started dating………

 ** _snapelover69_** : u’d never find out because i’d murder u first

 ** _snapelover69_** : stop ruining the moment, padfoot

 ** _snapelover69_** : i’m trying to imagine the look on snivellus’ face when he finds out

 _ **mommy**_ : for someone named “snapelover69”, you seem to hate him an awful lot hmm

 ** _snapelover69_** : it doesn’t matter that u all hate me because i have a girlfriend now and u don’t so suck my dick

 ** _siriusly hot_** : no offense but i’d rather die

 ** _confused_** : you’d rather die than have a girlfriend?

 ** _mommy_** : or you’d rather die than suck Prongs’ dick?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : both

 ** _snapelover69_** : good thing lily would disagree :)

 ** _mommy_** : you are DISGUSTING

 ** _siriusly hot_** : when will the straights stop

 ** _siriusly hot_** : @moony agree?

 _ **mommy**_ : leave me out of this omg

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what kind of gay ru if ur not going to hate on prongs’ sexual fantasies w me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : and this isn’t even his worst fantasy...

 ** _siriusly hot_** : poor lily…… she doesn’t know abt the mommy kink….

 ** _snapelover69_** : i hate u all goodnight

 ** _confused_** : it’s 2:45 pm

 ** _snapelover69_** : goodnghit

* * *

_**snapelover69** & **mommy**_

_Thursday, 2:46 pm_

**_snapelover69_** : ur not allowed to shit on me about lily until u figure out ur own stuff with sirius

 ** _snapelover69_** : deal?

 ** _mommy_** : NO! I’m not the one making jokes about having sex with people!

 ** _snapelover69_** : oh they’re not jokes

 ** _snapelover69_** : ;)

 _ **mommy**_ : you really are unbelievable

 ** _snapelover69_** : if u two don’t make out tomorrow i will be severely disappointed

 ** _mommy_** : I can’t believe you ship us

 **snapelover69** : honestly? me neither

 ** _snapelover69_** : but despite everything, i really do hope everything works out and ur happy. clearly u care about him a lot, and sirius deserves that kind of love

 **snapelover69** : i can’t believe i just said that wow i really am going soft

 ** _mommy_** : hahaha thanks

 ** _mommy_** : I’m happy for you and Lily too!! (whatever I might say in the main chat)

 ** _snapelover69_** : thanks :-) we have plans tonight actually so i won’t be able to talk much but let me know how that dancing lesson goes!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sirius takes another phat gulp. “i am gay,” he thinks as his eyes drift over remus. suddenly, he chokes. “i am gay... for remus.”

_**siriusly hot** & **mommy**_  
_Friday, 9:00 am_

**_siriusly hot_** : meet me in the room of requirement at 11

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i already checked ur schedule & u don’t have a class then, so i’ll see u there

 ** _mommy_** : but don’t YOU have a class at that time?? Charms??

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ……………….

 ** _siriusly hot_** : sry i have no idea what ur talking abt. see u at 11

* * *

_**mommy** & **snapelover69**  
Friday, 10:51_

**_mommy_** : I don’t think I’ve ever felt this nervous in my life

 ** _snapelover69_** : heyy u got this

 ** _snapelover69_** : are u in the room yet??

 _ **mommy**_ : no I’m just waiting outside for him

 ** _mommy_** : I feel so dizzy

 ** _snapelover69_** : if u fall at least u know loverboy can catch u

 ** _mommy_** : oh my God not what I needed

 _ **mommy**_ : frick he’s here

 ** _mommy_** : bye

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **snapelover69**  
Friday, 3:00 pm_

**_siriusly_** **_hot_** : can we talk? it’s urgent

 ** _siriusly hot_** : something just happened

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **confused**  
Friday, 3:13 pm_

**_siriusly_** **_hot_** : prongs isn’t answering his texts and it’s rly important

 ** _confused_** : that’s weird… just try again i guess

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **snape.s**  
Friday, 3:16 pm_

**_siriusly hot_** : prongs seriously answer ur damn phone this is an emergency

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i need to talk to someone and ur my best friend in the world….. i think i like remus

 ** _siriusly hot_** : im kind of freaking out bc i know we’ve been just friends for so long & this feels rly weird to think abt but ….. when i gave him those dancing lessons it just felt rly nice??? idk im not rly sure how to explain it but it’s probably like when u look at lily and u just get this squeezing feeling in ur chest,... that happened today to me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : anyway text me back if u get the chance. obviously don’t tell anyone this bc i know moony isn’t rly out yet and idk if he likes me so i dont want to complicate things for him. he has enough to deal w rn

 ** _snape.s_** : Is this Sirius Black?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : FUCK

* * *

_**snapelover69** & **siriusly hot**_

_Friday, 3:38 pm_

**_snapelover69_** : sorry hey what’s up bud

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : change ur contact name

 ** _snapelover69_** : what

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : change ur name. it can’t be snapelover69 anymore

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i was trying to send u a text abt something very personal and i typed in “snape” and accidentally sent it to the actual snape

 ** _snapelover69_** : please tell me this is a joke

_**siriusly hot** : [myconvowithsnape.jpg]_

**_siriusly_** **_hot_** : plus i just saw him in the hallway and he said he’s threatening to send this to ppl

 ** _snapelover69_** : yea over my dead fucking body

**_snapelover69_ ** _changed their name to **i suck**_

**_siriusly_** **_hot_** : no u dont and this isnt ur fault :( sry i was just rly panicked so i didnt check properly who i was sending it to

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : idk what to do…. i feel like dueling the shit out of him is not an option

 ** _i suck_** : that can be plan b

 ** _i suck_** : is it ok if i put this in the main chat? that’s what we’re here for, to support each other

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : yeah but pls don’t mention what i told u and snape bc,, yknow,, obviously i dont want to put moony in an awkward place

 ** _i suck_** : u are the dumbest boy in the world sometimes, padfoot

* * *

  
**i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Friday, 4:09 pm_

**_i suck_** : fellas, we have a crisis

 ** _mommy_** : same. why weren’t you on your phone for the past hour??

 ** _i suck_** : u and padfoot need to tone it down with calling me every few seconds

 ** _i suck_** : anyway, i digress. padfoot was trying to write to me about something Very Important and Confidential and instead of sending it to snapelover69 he sent it to the actual snape

 ** _i suck_** : under ordinary circumstances this would be hilarious but given the context of the message it’s actually kind of concerning

 ** _mommy_** : what did it say?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : NOTHING!

 ** _mommy_** : ??

 ** _siriusly hot_** : it’s nothing

 ** _i suck_** : moony, bud, i wish i could tell u, trust me

 ** _mommy_** : why is it so bad that Snape got it?

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : it has some personal things in it that i dont want shared around

 ** _i suck_** : like who he likes

 ** _mommy_** : who do you like?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i genuinely dont think my heart could be beating any faster than it is rn. i might die

 ** _confused_** : we could just obliviate snape

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : SSKSKJf ok that helped a bit

 ** _sirusly_** **_hot_** : as amusing as it would be to wipe that greasy ass boy’s entire memory, i dont think thatll solve the problem. first of all, it would raise some questions as to why he suddenly doesnt know anything

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : second, it takes a very powerful witch/wizard to be able to do that spell properly. if we fucked it up then he would know AND hed probably report us

 ** _siriusly hot_** : thirdly he has it screenshotted on his phone so no matter what he can still see what i sent

 ** _mommy_** : I’m trying to imagine what could possibly be this bad

 ** _i suck_** : nudes

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : u WISH i would send u nudes, james potter

 ** _mommy_** : it’s nice to see that you’re maintaining your sense of humor through this

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : thx

 ** _confused_** : how are we supposed to help if we don’t know what happened…?

 ** _i suck_** : ugh fine i’ll use a hypothetical circumstance to explain

 ** _i suck_** : let’s pretend that moony has a crush on padfoot….

 ** _siriusly hot_** : y would we pretend that…?

 ** _mommy_** : WHY WOULD WE PRETEND THAT

 ** _i suck_** : calm down boys, we’re pretending

 ** _i suck_** : anyway if moony accidentally texted snape that he wanted to bang padfoot, obviously that would be kind of a messy situation

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : im going to kill u

 ** _i suck_** : look, i never said i was creative

 ** _mommy_** : I’m going to kill you too

 ** _mommy_** : sorry, Padfoot

 ** _siriusly hot_** : sigh it’s fine.. if u want to bang me just say it

 ** _i suck_** : anyway, obviously this kind of conversation would excite snape bc he could use it as blackmail against us since moony is closeted (kinda) and padfoot is,, well,, idk admittedly i’m not sure if ur closeted

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : yea idk either

 ** _siriusly hot_** : but obviously in this hypothetical circumstance, having that kind of information out there would b pretty bad

 ** _mommy_** : the fact that this is hypothetical is confusing me even more

 ** _i suck_** : good. wow, i am so subtle

 ** _siriusly hot_** : that is a damn lie

 ** _i suck_** : i think i’m going to talk to snape about this

 ** _mommy_** : as long as it’s just talking… please don’t try to fight him again

 ** _i suck_** : i’ll stay out of trouble for u, mommy (blows u a kiss)

 ** _mommy_** : keep your kisses away from me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : damn go off, moony

 ** _i suck_** : as if he wasn’t already ugly as shit,,,, he has to be homophobic too?

 ** _mommy_** : wait this actually relates to being gay?

 ** _i suck_** : suddenly i have to leave bye

* * *

_**i suck** & **siriusly hot**_

_Friday, 5:00 pm_

**_i suck_** : we’re going to fix this, padfoot. i mean it

 ** _i suck_** : even if i have to kill that greasy gargoyle to do it

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : i feel like an utter dumbass rn

 ** _siriusly_** **_hot_** : but thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate snape leave kudos if u agree !1!1!1


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry fools i’ve been so busy lately

**_i suck_ ** _&_ **_lily_ **  
_Saturday, 8:21 am_

 ** _i suck_** : can u do me a favor?

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Saturday, 9:45 am_

 ** _i suck_** : guys it’s official i’m gonna marry lily evans

 ** _confused_** : congrats…?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : r we going to get any context or

 ** _i suck_** : of course not

 ** _mommy_** : since when does anything he says make sense

 ** _siriusly hot_** : nfbfhfbfjf

 ** _confused_** : what???? does that mean

 ** _siriusly hot_** : nothing, sweetheart

 ** _siriusly hot_** : what happened w lily??

 ** _i suck_** : ;)

 ** _mommy_** : you’re so ambiguous

 ** _i suck_** : no u

 ** _mommy_** : okay

* * *

_**mommy** & **siriusly hot**  
Saturday, 10:08 am_

**_mommy_** : hey

 ** _siriusly hot_** : hey

 ** _mommy_** : just realized I never formally thanked you for those dance lessons. that was amazing!!!

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh haha yeah no problem

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ru still going to the dance?

 ** _mommy_** : I think I’m planning on it, yes

 ** _mommy_** : ….. are you?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i don’t know

 ** _mommy_** : if you really don’t want to go then maybe we could do something else together instead. I don’t mind

 ** _siriusly hot_** : & miss out on dancing? after those lessons i gave u? nice try

 ** _siriusly hot_** : but idk

 ** _siriusly hot_** : sry this snape thing is kind of occupying my whole mind rn

 ** _mommy_** : that’s understandable

* * *

_**mommy** & **i suck**  
Saturday, 10:19 am_

_**mommy** : [convowithsirius.jpg]_

**_mommy_** : why oh why did I say I’d hang out with him instead of going to the dance….. I’m so obvious

 ** _i suck_** : i feel incredibly powerful rn

 ** _i suck_** : there is so much u don’t know, moony

* * *

_**siriusly hot** & **i suck**  
Saturday, 10:21 am_

_**siriusly hot** : [convowithmoony.jpg]_

**_siriusly hot_** : i am literally THIS close to texting him “just go to the dance w me jfc”

 ** _i suck_** : u should do it. u may be pleasantly surprised

 ** _i suck_** : what would u do if i said he likes u back?

 ** _siriusly hot_** : wow

 ** _siriusly hot_** : idk

 ** _siriusly hot_** : scream probably

 ** _siriusly hot_** : or laugh at u for lying to me

 ** _i suck_** : of course if he DID like u he would have to be utterly insane because ur really not all that

 ** _siriusly hot_** : oh, fuck off

 ** _siriusly hot_** : how do u ask a boy to a dance

 ** _i suck_** : do i look like google to u?? omg

 ** _i suck_** : as if i know… i’m a proud heterosexual

 ** _siriusly hot_** : trust me we r all aware… i’m just wondering

 ** _i suck_** : well, remember when i was talking about ways to ask out lily? and u guys both said that u would just ask normally?

 ** _i suck_** : i feel like that’s something he would appreciate. if u just asked him normally, i mean. like no fancy stuff or whatever

 ** _i suck_** : by the way… how did u know u liked him? other than the gross butterflies or whatever else that u mentioned in ur texts to snape

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ugh do not remind me

 ** _siriusly hot_** : but idk. obviously u 3 r my best friends in the world but w him it’s just a little bit different and i feel like i’m more aware of everything i do bc im trying to impress him

 ** _siriusly hot_** : & i guess i just always assumed that’s bc he’s the morally upright member of the group lol so i wanted to show him how good i am but then i guess i eventually realized that’s not it at all

 ** _siriusly hot_** : when we were dancing, i think that was the first time we’ve ever rly touched, and dncfhfhgf i don’t know everything just felt rly Right

 ** _i suck_** : this has better not be ur way of saying u had a boner….

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i didn’t oh my god what the hell

 ** _i suck_** : uh huh ;)

 ** _siriusly hot_** : u rly think i………., u dumb boy

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i’m trying to be serious

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i’m trying to be sirius

 ** _i suck_** : i can’t possibly take u s*riously when u say shit like that

 ** _siriusly hot_** : OK anyway i just started feeling all these things and then i started thinking abt how i got rly upset when i found out he likes someone else and how i felt rly rly rly happy when he came out to us and

 ** _siriusly hot_** : sigh

 ** _i suck_** : i can’t do this anymore. ur such a moron

 ** _siriusly hot_** : ??

* * *

_**lily** & **i suck**  
Saturday, 2:45 pm_

**_lily_** : i can’t believe you dragged me into this

 ** _i suck_** : excuse me? just trying to do the right thing and get two lovers together

 ** _i suck_** : i guess i’m just romantic like that…

 ** _lily_** : oh shut up

 ** _i suck_** : what exactly did u say to him?

 ** _lily_** : something along the lines of “homophobic people are so disgusting! i would never date one”

 ** _i suck_** : and… that worked?

 ** _lily_** : i think so

 ** _i suck_** : i’m going to check

 ** _lily_** : what?

 ** _lily_** : check what?

 _ **lily**_ : oh my god i hate when you do this

* * *

_**i suck** & **snape.s**  
Saturday, 2:48 pm_

**_i suck_** : hello u dumb piece of shit

 ** _i suck_** : u probably won’t respond to me but i just wanted to let u know that if u ever (EVER) reveal my best friends’ secrets before they are ready to then i will be obligated to set u on fire every single day during transfiguration, and i do not say this lightly

 ** _i suck_** : and i’m currently omw to the slytherin commons rn and if u do not delete those screenshots then i will actually murder u

 ** _i suck_** : avada kedavra, bitch

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Saturday, 3:00 pm_

 ** _i suck_** : justice is served, boys

_**i suck** : [snape.jpg]_

**_siriusly hot_** : is that a snake

 ** _mommy_** : around his throat???? PRONGS what did you do

 ** _i suck_** : snapes get snakes

 ** _siriusly hot_** : aaansndhffhf

 ** _i suck_** : he said he wouldn’t delete the screenshots so i had to, sorry

 ** _i suck_** : just kidding i’m really not sorry at all

 ** _i suck_** : also lily made it pretty clear to him that being homophobic is awful and u guys know how he pathetically hangs on to every little thing she does

 ** _siriusly hot_** : i can’t believe lily evans single-handedly ended homophobia

 ** _i suck_** : i can’t believe lily evans single-handedly ended my virginity

 ** _confused_** : we all know that’s a lie

 ** _i suck_** : PETER can’t u have my back once in ur goddamn life

 ** _mommy_** : you broke him, Wormtail

 ** _i suck_** : yeah no offense but i’m the furthest from being a virgin at this point because i’m actually in a RELATIONSHIP

 ** _mommy_** : oof

 ** _siriusly hot_** : called out

 ** _confused_** : that’s not true…? i’m going to the dance with mary, remember?

 ** _i suck_** : ur right oh my god wormtail has the strongest game of all of us

 ** _siriusly hot_** : but according to u i pop boners at random moments so maybe i’m the biggest winner

 ** _i suck_** : the biggest weiner

 ** _siriusly hot_** : thanks?? i guess??

_**siriusly hot** changed their name to **the biggest weiner**_

**_the biggest weiner_** : all is well

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : i love u guys so much

 ** _mommy_** : yeah I mean I don’t know what happened but we will always support you! that’s what friends are for

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : yeah

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : well, ur a very good friend

* * *

_**the biggest weiner** & **i suck**  
Saturday, 3:19 pm_

**_the biggest weiner_** : “that’s what friends r for” my ass

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : tf kind of friends r we…. a friend i want to make out with

 ** _i suck_** : wow if i said that about lily u would explode… this is heterophobic

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : shut up i’ve been friendzoned

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : ur a heartless bitch

* * *

_**mommy** & **i suck**  
Saturday, 3:19 pm_

**_mommy_** : “ur a very good friend” noooooo this is unbelievable

 ** _mommy_** : I know this’ll sound crazy but that day we were dancing, it almost seemed like he felt something

 ** _mommy_** : I just wish he saw me as more than a friend

 ** _mommy_** : I mean, I love him as a friend too. but I want to love him in other ways as well

 ** _mommy_** : don’t take that the wrong way. ugh

 ** _i suck_** : if he liked u back, would u want him to know how u feel?

 ** _mommy_** : yes

 ** _mommy_** : of course

 ** _mommy_** : why?

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Saturday, 4:05 pm_

 ** _i suck_** : hey! are u guys free tomorrow morning?

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : yeah

 ** _mommy_** : what time?

 ** _i suck_** : 9

 ** _mommy_** : then yes

 ** _i suck_** : cool! let’s meet at the three broomsticks

* * *

_**i suck** & **confused**  
Saturday, 4:06 pm_

**_i suck_** : wormtail, bud, i love u a lot, but i need u to NOT SHOW UP to the thing i just posted about, but rsvp as if u ARE going

 ** _i suck_** : maybe the 2 of us can do something instead, separately

 ** _confused_** : why would you invite them to something if we aren’t going to be there?

 ** _i suck_** : the greater good

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Saturday, 4:09 pm_

 ** _confused_** : yes i’ll see you guys there!

 ** _i suck_** : can’t wait!

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the usual,, comment if u liked this


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which i call myself out several times

  
**i solemnly** **swear ur a dumbass**  
_Sunday, 8:45 am_

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : omw

 ** _i suck_** : same see u there!

 ** _mommy_** : 3 broomsticks, right? I’m here and I don’t see you guys

 ** _confused_** : maybe because you’re 15 minutes early

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : smh i’m nearly there

* * *

_**i suck** & **confused**  
Sunday, 8:50_

**_i suck_** : we deserve medals for this mastermind plan

 ** _confused_** : :)))

* * *

 **i** **solemnly** **swear ur a dumbass**  
_Sunday, 9:21 am_

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : uh where ru guys

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : ur like 20 mins late

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : ???

_Sunday, 10:14 am_

**_mommy_** : you guys never showed so Padfoot and I are currently wandering around Hogsmeade if you want to join us

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : damn traitors

_**the biggest weiner** : [flippinguoff.jpg]_

_Sunday, 12:03 pm_

**_mommy_** : alright we’re having lunch right now so if you intend on joining us please let us know :)

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : or don’t honestly idfc

 ** _i suck_** : feisty!!

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : finally, he responds

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : whereve ya been, asshole?

 ** _i suck_** : stop texting me when i know u two are across from each other. it’s antisocial

 ** _i suck_** : enjoy ur date xoxo

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : this isn’t ,, a ,,

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : ur the worst i hope u know that

* * *

_**i suck** & **confused**  
Sunday, 4:14 pm_

**_i suck_** : things james potter is: extraordinarily hot, damn loyal to his friends, deeply in love w one (1) girl,

 ** _i suck_** : things james potter isn’t: going to stand by and let his 2 best friends gallivant around hogsmeade all day without knowing what they’re up to

 ** _confused_** : but?? it was your idea to let them go??

 ** _i suck_** : ok but

 ** _i suck_** : i need to know what they’re doing

 ** _i suck_** : sigh hopefully each other

 ** _confused_** : WHAT

 ** _confused_** : that doesn’t make any sense

 ** _i suck_** : yeah fuck sorry i’ve already said too much

 ** _i suck_** : anyway i’m gonna go now because i need to go find my invisibility cloak ;)))))

_Sunday, 5:33 pm_

**_i suck_** : oh my god oh my god i’m a genius

 ** _i suck_** : 100000 points to gryffindor!!!!!!!!!

 ** _confused_** : ??

 ** _i suck_** : so i was walking around looking for them

 ** _i suck_** : and i went past the shrieking shack

 ** _i suck_** : guess who was standing in front of it holding hands!! bitch!!!!!!!!

 ** _confused_** : who…?

 ** _i suck_** : PADFOOT AND MOONY

_**i suck** changed their name to **king of romance**_

**_confused_** : i’m so lost

 ** _king of romance_** : wormtail!! do u know what this means!!

 ** _confused_** : no….

 ** _king of romance_** : they confessed to each other finally ugh i deserve some money for this

* * *

 **i solemnly swear ur a dumbass**  
_Sunday, 6:28 pm_

 ** _king of romance_** : y’ain’t slick

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : took me a solid minute to figure out who the hell “king of romance” is bc it sure as fuck isn’t u

 ** _king of romance_** : damn u don’t let me rest for 1 second

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : never

 ** _mommy_** : I think Wormtail deserves that title most of all probably, since he’s dating Mary

 ** _king of romance_** : u and mary are DATING?

 ** _confused_** : i feel like we’ve had this conversation before

 ** _king of romance_** : no i don’t think so

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : anyone who says “y’ain’t” is dead to me

 ** _king of romance_** : u won’t even let me call u out without roasting me

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : what kind of weak-ass roast…..

 ** _king of romance_** : so y’all dating or

 ** _mommy_** : same rules apply for “y’*ll”

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : sigh ive never loved u more

 ** _king of romance_** : get this disgusting flirty shit off my phone immediately

 ** _the_** **_biggest weiner_** : k, “king of romance”

 ** _mommy_** : hey it’s a better username than “snapelover69”

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : yea can u not remind me thx that was the dumbest thing ive ever done

 ** _king of romance_** : wow that’s really saying something

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : sure prongs, like uve never accidentally sent something to the wrong person who wasnt supposed to see it

 ** _king of romance_** : no, i’m perfect. can’t relate

 ** _king of romance_** : that’s gay culture

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : wow u actually might be right abt that one

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : shook

 ** _confused_** : you guys never answered if you’re dating!

 ** _king of romance_** : thank u peter! spill the tea!

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : only the gays say tea it’s a known fact if ur saying tea then ur gay sry

 ** _king of romance_** : how dare u accuse me…………. i’m no g*y………..

 ** _mommy_** : don’t worry, you’re the straightest guy I know

 ** _king of romance_** : thank god

 ** _mommy_** : anyway I’m really tired so I think I’m going to turn in early tonight

 ** _confused_** : it’s like 7 pm

 ** _king of romance_** : ohhhhh is it that time of the month?

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : BLOCKED

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : anyway same sry im sooooo tired ill talk to u all tmrw

 ** _king of romance_** : saying “u all” is not efficient. “y’all” is such a more streamlined word

 ** _king of romance_** : right, wormtail?

 ** _confused_** : uh,, right

_Sunday, 10:00 pm_

**_king of romance_** : so i just realized that u two slipped away from answering if ur dating or not and i’m equally impressed and annoyed

 ** _king of romance_** : we will talk tomorrow

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : im not even sleeping but yea sure dude whatever u say

 ** _king of romance_** : u realize we’re in the same room?????????? i’m omw to interrogate u

 _ **the biggest weiner**_ : in my BED?? brooo that’s kinda gay

 _ **king of romance**_ : in our friendship, nothing is off-limits

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : cant a man get some privacy around here :( what if i said i wasnt wearing pants :(

 ** _king of romance_** : ur not wearing pants?? WHY

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : i didnt say that

 ** _the biggest weiner_** : bye bye

**Author's Note:**

> LMAO sorry this is an absolute mess


End file.
